I'm normally the kind of guy that needs a bit of time to digest a crap film before I fully appreciate how bad it is. I initially came out of Jurassic World thinking it wasn't all the bad, and I remember coming out of The Dark Knight Rises pretty pleased with it. I'm just the kind of guy that likes and needs to mull over a film a bit before I see why it failed.

I did not need to mull over Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Never in a long time has such a film been so blatant in its awfulness from the get go. There's bad films where its' problems are only noticeable after retrospection, but then there's films that are so stupid and incompetent that they just take me out of the film completely. Batman v Superman is like that from almost the start and it keeps on rolling in so many ways.

Even now I'm struggling to decide whether I enjoyed just how awful it was...or pissed by how many things important to comic books in general it fucked up. Unlike a lot of people I wasn't bored by the film because I was too CAPTIVATED by its awfulness, but this is a film that gets uglier and uglier the more I think about it.

In fact I do not exaggerate when I say that Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice...might be the worst comic book film of all time. It's most certainly up there.

To add to any enjoyment I got out of it I am going to talk about the 11 big issues this film has. Some of these issues are connected or part of a big problem overall, but I think I've satisfactory singled out 11 individual problems that help explain why this film is an absolute piece of turd. Suffices to say, spoilers are aplenty here and if you haven't seen this film, intend to and want to go spoiler free I highly suggest that you don't read this deviation.

Of course the film is certainly not without its merits, and I'd be doing it a disservice if I didn't mention them. First up, here's five things Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice did well;

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Five Good Things About Batman v Superman

Ben Affleck is great as Bruce Wayne/Batman

Talk about irony. When Ben Affleck was first announced as Batman people were pissed and immediately gave up on the film. In the end however he's actually the best part about this film.

I don't say that to insult the other cast members, this film is actually well casted overall, but Ben Affleck does a really good job playing Bruce Wayne and Batman. As Bruce Wayne there's a quiet charisma to him and a sense that the Bruce Wayne side of him - the charisma, the swarve - isn't just an act like some depictions make it out to be but a genuine part of him.

Now I DO have some severe issues with Batman's characterisation, but none of that is Affleck's fault. His performance here makes me a bit easier with the knowledge that Warner Brothers will try to shove him into as many films as possible ( he's already set to appear in Suicide Squad & Wonder Woman) and as tired as I am with Batman exposure I wouldn't mind at all getting a solo Batman film with Affleck. Especially one he'd direct, since he's a great director.

Jeremy Irons is also great as Alfred

The least shocking thing about this film is that real life badass Jeremy Irons is really good as Alfred. I dunno whether or not he's better than previous Alfred incarnations but I liked what they did with him here, which wasn't enough honestly. He's definitely one of the more proactive Alfred's. He even fixes Batman's Batmobile AND makes his suit!

Suffice to say the moments between Bruce and Alfred are some of the films highlights. More reason that I wouldn't mind a solo Batman flick with these guys.

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman is awesome (if underused) too

Though criminally underused Gal Gadot did great work with what she got as Wonder Woman. She was another actor people initially moaned about but she proved herself here with her few scenes. The fight scene with Doomsday in particular was great, showing off not only how badass she was but I swear that at one point she SMILED during the bout, like she was having fun. Definitely selling the Warrior Princess motif.

Admittedly her accent slipped in a little at times but they can explain that away. No after this I'm definitely looking forward to her solo flick in 2017!

Senator June Finch Was Surprisingly Nuanced

They made it clear pretty soon that this film would be tackling the repercussions of Man of Steel and the destruction Superman allowed to happen. I was worried that Senator Finch, the face of the political outcry against Superman, would be very one dimensional but she's actually characterised quite well. She comes off as very passionate but reasoned in a lot of her arguments and honestly she makes several good points. She's not a one-note politician caricature getting in the way of superheroes, but a smart woman with some understandable worries.

Granted, her side of the debate being so reasoned is actually part of a big problem with this film, but I'll get to that later.

The Battle Of Metropolis Scene Was Great

If there is one bit of this film that it done incredibly well then it's the scene where we see the events of the big battle in Man of Steel from Bruce Wayn'e POV. We see the people get caught up in the midst of the battle, the people who get crippled, die or lose someone they love during the incident. It's both horrifying and endearing seeing Bruce try to do everything he could for the people on the ground.

Well then, that's the obligatory compliments out of the way. Let's begin, shall we? These are the Top 11 Stupidest Things About Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice!

Top 11 Stupidest Things About Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

11) Badly Done Set-ups for Justice League

Man of Steel was originally envisioned more as the start of solo Superman series as opposed to a DC Cinematic Universe, but the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe naturally encouraged DC to get on the cinematic universe bandwagon like so many other franchises have nowadays. Batman v Superman is very much the start of that for DC, but where the MCU spent its first few years setting up characters with their own solo affairs DC has decided to essentially build up and introduce all of their Justice League members in this one film. That's not inherently a bad idea and I appreciated DC differing themselves from Marvel, and as said I really liked Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman

......Everyone else however....

Okay, we got small cameos of Ezra Miller's FLash, Jason Mamoa's Aquaman & Ray Fisher's Cyborg through an email sent to Diana Prince by Bruce Wayne, who had hacked Luthor's computer and learnt that Luthor had been tracking the four aforementioned 'Meta-Humans'  and had video footage of the Flash stopping a robber, Aquaman attacking a boat and Cyborg being created. I admittedly have a few nitpicks with this scene, but I will admit that this could've been awesome post credit's scene.

It should NOT have been in the middle of the bloody film itself.

This ties into a massive problem with the film that I'll touch on later, but this scene is so out of place with everything that happens before and after. It's the most blatant of in-film marketing for Justice League because of how misplaced and largely forgotten afterwards till the end of the film. The film essentially pauses itself so Warner Bros. can go 'oooh look at all this! Look who's gonna be showing up next! Aren't you excited?! Please give us money!'
As for those nitpicks? Well;

. The obvious one is how stupid it is that Luthor has not only been monitoring these heroes but has literally NAMED them and given them their infamous logos. So...in Justice League they're gonna use the names and logos given to them by a psychotic villain? That was beyond dumb.

. I didn't like that Barry Allen seems to destroy half the shop when he stops that robber. Seriously, when he activates his power the electricity in the store blows out, shelves get knocked over and the lighting fixtures explode. I am guessing the robber would have nabbed $50 or so; Barry causes hundreds more in damage.

Then again this in the same universe as Man of Steel, so damage caused by their powers rarely seems important to these heroes.

. I'll say that Jason Mamoa is a fucking boss and I think he's a great pick for Aquaman...but he was blatantly holding his breath in that scene. Seriously, when they got to his 2018 solo flick they're really gonna have to work hard to make the underwater scenes authentic.

I admittedly have no issues with the Cyborg bit. It was suitably creepy and I was actually quite engaged by it. It was probably the one story in this film I want to learn the most about.

10) A Jar Of Fucking Piss

I had heard about this before I even saw the film...but I had to see it to believe it.

In this multi-million dollar film about Superman, Batman & Wonder Woman - three of the greatest American cultural icons of all time...there is a significant plot point that involves...a jar of Lex Luthor's urine.

............

A film that cost Warner Brothers several million dollars to make.

A jar of Lex Luthor's piss.

A film with Batman; the zenith of human fortitude and determination.

A jar of Lex Luthor's piss.

A film with Wonder Woman; the most iconic and inspiring female superhero of all time.

A jar of Lex Luthor's piss.

A film with Superman; the pinnacle of otherwordly power and the embodiment of all that is good in this world.

A JAR OF LEX LUTHOR'S PISS.

......

Call me a puritan, but in a film where arguably the three most iconic superheroes of all time meet on the big screen for the first time, it seems almost blasphemous that one thing that I inevitably take from it is the scene that involves...a jar of Lex Luthor's piss. I acknowledge that compared to everything else it's not actually that big of an issue...but on an emotional level alone this just made me furious.

I guess you could say this film was 'taking the piss'.

......I'll see myself out.

9) That Nonsensical Vision/Dream

I suppose this technically connect to my 11th point about the film's bad Justice League setting up but I think this bit warrants a spot on its own. Turns out it's not just legit fear of Superman going insane after the events of Man of Steel that makes Batman want to kill Superman. Turns out there's an even more rational explanation for it.

He had a bad dream.

You see at one point during the film Batman has a dream where Batman is leading a rebellion against an evil Superman who has seemed to reduced cities to ruins and taken over the world, along with having soldiers and even winged aliens fight for him. He's eventually captured by Superman's men and is later killed by him afterewards.
Also Darkseid's logo shows up...and The Flash turns up to warn Batman about something, but it too is vague and nonsensical.

......

Bear in mind that I'm a comic book fan, and even I was fucking stumped by all of this. Certain things leads us to believe that all of this was a vision of some kind but taking the film as a whole it's literally just a 'big lipped alligator moment'. If this is more set up for Justice League then this is some of the worst set up I've ever seen.

Let's try and summarize this whole thing. Batman has a nightmare that Superman is evil but it's in the future and Flash is in the future with him but Flash actually time traveled back to the past inside Batman's nightmare to warn Batman about Superman but Flash's time-travel causes Batman to have a vision of the apocalypse in the future caused by Darkseid but it's within his nightmare back in the past about evil Superman in the future and-

8) Lois Lane

I said before that the casting in the DC Extended Universe thus far has been pretty good...which makes the crappy content they have to work with all the more shameful. Henry Cavill probably has it worst, but one can't help but mention Amy Adams Lois Lane. Like Cavill you get the impression that with the right material she could provide the best iteration of the character, and you did see hints of that in Man of Steel. While she did get damseled in distressed she was also very proactive in the plot and they didn't have her not realise that Clark Kent and Superman were the same person.

In Batman v Superman however she is pretty much just a damsel in distress. Oh they try to give her other shit to do, but none it actually matters at the end. Her role consistently throughout this film is to get saved by Superman or constantly pout at how people are being mean to Superman. Literally her getting into dire situations for Superman to save her is a recurring plot point this time around and the lengths they go are just ridiculous.

One can't help but bring the most infamous example of this. During the climactic battle Lois Lane nearly drowns herself trying to retrieve a Kryptonite spear lost underwater.

The reason it was underwater in the first place? She'd thrown it in there 2 minutes earlier.

Yeeeep. Bravo Zack Snyder.

7) Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor

This film was riddled with a lot of controversial casting choices from the get go, and most of them have turned out to be good choices. As I said above I sincerely consider Ben Affleck and Gal Gadot to be two of the best parts of this film.

Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor however sucked hard.

You can tell that they're trying so hard to make him a memorable and iconic in the same way that Heath Ledger's Joker was in The Dark Knight by making him constantly spout awkward and weird shit in a...well, I was gonna say over-exaggerated manner, but that'd be an UNDERSTATEMENT.

The thing about Heath Ledger's Joker was that he wasn't just weird, he was TERRIFYING. Whenever he was in a scene you knew everyone in the same room as him was in very mortal danger. More than that but his characterisation had meaning behind and fitted his chaotic beliefs. The point is Christopher Nolan didn't have him act like that to just be memorable but because it informed so much of his character.

Jesse Eisenberg's Luthor is just a fucking mess. Good look trying to figure out what exactly is his motivation here because he seems to have several. Does he genuinely fear Superman? Does he just hate him? Does it all come down to his abusive father, or is it the last minute reveal that he may be aware of a future alien invasion? Don't bother watching the film to find out because it can't fucking decide!

Whatever Eisenberg attempts with this character just utterly fails. If he's trying to be intimidation then it's laughable how non-threatening he is. If he's trying to be funny then it's eye-rolling how annoying he just is, and if he's trying to be weird...well okay he DOES achieve that, but he doesn't use it to any good degree. I blame bad writing than I do Eisenberg but by god did everything involved with this character suck.

To say nothing of his over-convoluted plot. Jesus I've never seen a scheme so convoluted and yet so childishly simple. It's a scheme created by contrivance and circumstance and not some legit genius on the characters behalf; never mind that - as mentioned above - his motivations are inconsistent as hell.

I also fail to see why having him be 'Lex Luthor Jr.' actually makes a difference either. The original Luthor hasn't always been a cold, stoic businessman-type villain and like his father Luthor Jr. is bolded at the end too, so what was the fucking point? It was as stupid as The Amazing Spider-Man 2 making Harry Osborn the Green Goblin as opposed to his father.

......Actually Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 are VERY similar in how they fucked up. Jesus Christ.

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That's all for today folks. Didn't want this doing on too long, especially since my top 6 points will very 'Ranty'. Keep an eye out and if you've also seen this god-awful film then you have my sincerest condolences.